UPDATE ON LIFE!!!!

So I was going through an old bible of mine from when I was in high school. What i found was rather interesting. It was one of many letters I wrote to friends and never mailed. What was interesting is that I remembered everything that I wrote. It was STORM weekend. I think I was a sophmore. It is actually kind of bizarre that I remember that. It wasn't a bad weekend. It was good. Had a bit of spiritual growth during that weekend. However, it almost seems as if the growth was only momentary. As I'm looking back, I see that as with every chance I get to grow in God. It is only momentary. What I long for is a deeper connection with God.....I'm not sure I get any closer some days....other days I think I can see growth. My question was is, Is it spritual growth if you go forwards for awhile and then spiral backswards for awhile. I don't know, friends don't know. Only God knows I guess... I am going to say that you can have growth....growth just isn't always forward. Sometimes it is backwards. I have had a hard time try ing to figure that one out.....only because I don't see any type of growth as going backwards....I see it as forwards. But sometimes our walk with God is backtracked...by constant struggles or conflict. So as I read that note/letter from when I was in high school....it got me to thinking........How much have I really grown in Christ. Have I even grown at all. Others can see the growth...I, on the other hand, cannot see the growth.
Growth is hard and difficult but IS possible. I want to grow.....really.....but does God want me to grow.....I don't know right now.

So do I have aa ligitiment reason to worry? Maybe worrying about friends.......or some of the decisions in life.....about the children in my life....their safety....the list could go on. Honestly should I be stressing over this....probably not. But am I...that is the question......and I AM. It is easy to say that there are 52 synonyms for the word worry. Words I have never heard of....beleaguer...brood....dun....goad....vex...are just a few of them. Really should we be fixed on those words. I think not rather you should pick up your termoil....bagage and forget about it it just weighs you down. Realisticly can you focus on the overall goal with all the "baggage" in the way. I know I can't. it emotinally and physically weighs you down. But again who am i to say all of this....I can't even get through my messy life.....hmmmmm...maybe I should take my own words to heart.

Where are you God?

Where is God now? That is such a good question for all. The conclusion I came to is this:

The Bible teaches that God reigns over all the nations from His holy throne in heaven. The scripture also makes it very clear that our God is omnipresent. In fact, there are several examples throughout the bible that prove His omniprescence. Nothing is Hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid before Him. So I am guessing that the real question is, "Exactly how far away is our God?" I am exactly 100% on that one. Because I can't decipher Gods' Uniqueness right now. But yet again the bible also teaches that if you are believer, God is with you always. He is in you and beside you. Gods' prescence and very watchful eye actually never stray away from. Unlike us. Here comes the big "F" word. Faith. I know that have little faith in God that all of this seems so uncomprehensible. But it is comprehensible. God is a God a love and His love is unfailing. No matter how much we struggle with our faith or our walk with Him. He will always be there for us when we finally finish struggling. The struggle of faith almost seems to be neverending. But if we don't let go of the fear. The struggle will not disintegrate. There is no easy way to know what faith is......there was no manual given to me. So I have no idea what it is. No difinitive answer. So again, How does one individual increase their faith in God? 1 Corinthians 4:7 says, "Do not boast as if you have received nothing." Hebrews 13:5 goes on to say, :Be content with the things that you already possess. He will never leave nor forsake you." Beginning the faith journey requires immersing ourselves in His holy word. But first we must learn His love, His might His justice, and His plan in order for us to gain any success in this world. Basically you allow your roots to grow down in Him and drown up nourishment so that you may grow in faith. If you trust in God, you will surely grow. We must first learn to step out in faith , move out of our comfort zone and the risks of life. 1 Peter 1:7 says, "He will use trials to test our faith and make us stronger christians. We will be given much honour if we can stand strong and endure the battle and not waiver."
God IS out there, we just have to weave through this meesy world and find Him. Kind of like "WHERE IS WALDO?" Replace the phrase, "WHERE IS GOD?" Can you find Him? I think you could if you had enough faith.

WOW.

God is much closer than you think and the chaos is natural. Maybe it sounds stupid but i like the chaos. I love the uncertainty of what my life may hold. Being single, being lost in a world of hatred and love and mixed emotion. What is real and what is not. God is real or at least that is what i want to think for today at least. But for everything that is not natural or normal I doubt the existence of God. What are you supposed to believe when you have a crappy day, or a crappy year? Are you supposed to say Man my god is good he allowed so and so to happen to mary lou or something of that nature. I dont believe it. I know i should but as i get older i dont think god is who he says he is. There is no defining point. Ive read the bible ive gone to church. I believe the bible i just dont believe god. There is much more to this but im stopping here..im out of words for now.

Feeling ashamed

Feeling ashamed and lost and hated by all who know me. I don't think you really grasp what I mean. I mean for real who ignores a friend for a long while. WHo doesn't ask how they are doing? What is it with these people in my life? Am I invisible? I am I missing person? I am beginning to wonder what is real and what is a complete lie. I feel depressed I think. I don't know the real meaning of depression anymore. But who cares. I am simply talking about friendships and relationships in general. I think they are all a huge joke. The friends you think you have you dont really have. In fact, you don't really even know them. They could actually care less about you and your friggin' problems. And when someone you thought was your friend says that you don't 'belong'. Wouldn't that just piss you off. Well it did me. And well she can kiss my butt. I don't care about her thoughts and opinions anymore. She needs to keep them internalized. But she did have a point. If I wasn't fitting in then why subject myself to the lonliness. of going places and being ignored. You see my friends, that is why I am honestly leaving what I call my friends and my home. I feel lost and lonely and that my friends are my worst enemy. I hate feeling like that. As a kid didn't you want to be loved by anyone. Not just your parents. Well there you have in life you want to be loved by anything and of course anyone. You ever feel like god has forgotten who you are. Well Life sucks when that happens.. And that has occurred in my life. God has disappeared in my life for now. And I want Him back. HE needs to friggin' reappear. But I also understand I need to want Him to reappear.

hi folks!!

thats it
bye

Mad at the internet!!

When you do not have any internet that will drive you to a crazy person. Last night I did just that. I was a crazy person. Not knowing what to do because I spend the majority of my time on the internet and not doing more productive things. But why. Why don't I do something more constructive...like run or run or run. Thats all I can come up with. We didn't have the kids last nite so I couldn't play with them. I was saddened. Anyways live outside of the box the internet is just another thing that you do not need to live. thats all folks.

Good God Thoughts!!!

Is being enraged spiritually possible? If it is, I would say that I am quite enraged. Not sure it is healthy to be enraged. I actually have no idea why I am enraged, I just am.

First things first, why did God create us if all He inteneded us to do was to sin? A mistake is that what we all are? Alot of times I find myself wondering about my life in general. Was I a mistake? Really think about it......I was child number 13. That's my lucky number I guess. HA! Anyways, I was born to a woman and man whom could have cared less about me. That sounds like a mistake. I was then placed in child protective services at 8 months........yet again that sounds like another mistake. I was adopted by the people whom I call mommy and daddy.......for once not a mistake. I grew up had lots of opportunities to become a better person than my biiological parents. Yet I blew every one of those opportunities. So to me I feel like an absurd waste of the human race. Are we just a mistake or opportunity waiting to occur?

John Ortberg summary......Let me know what you think............

God designed us to please Him. To honor Him in everything that we do. Which leads me to say that we must align ourselves with God in order to live a pleasing life. Make everyday life extraordinary by aligning yourself with God. When we align ourselves with Him we then becomes the vessel of God. Cruising along in life with God. Imagine being on this ship with God and adding passengers as you cruise with God. That is really what we were intended to do. By our actions, I believe that we then begin to make our God smile from the heavens above.

When is your day supposed to begin? I beleive now that it is at night. It clearly states it in Genesis 1:5---"God called the light day, and the darkness he called night. And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day. I t kind of reminded me that when I do go to sleep, my night/ day is just beginning. However, it also reminded me that my God never sleeps. He is always awake while I am sleeping and always awake while I am awake. In Mark 4:27 it says, "night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how." God will show me how to do so no matter how much I wish not to sprout.

Ride your life like a wave. If you fall off of your surf board, get back on and try again. Just remember ther will always be another wave following. No matter the circumstance or opportunity in life there will always be another opportunity waiting for you. It may not be the one you thought it would be........but it would be something similar to it. Live life with God not against Him. It's not healthy......Live life as if a gift...cherish the moments.....remember it is another wave from God.

Strong Tower

Ever been in a time in your life when you wonder........where is God? Ever want to give up just to give up? Give up on anything or anyone. How can you believe in something or someone even when the going gets tough?

There is a time in everyones' life when, the impossible becomes possible and the possible becomes impossible. You don't give up no matter what the hardships may be. You keeping driving till you got nothing left in you. If the person becomes bitter, you smack some sense into them. I keep believing that someday all of our hardships will just disintegrate and life will become a paradise. But I know that life won't ever be that easy. Until then you just have to believe in God. Know that nothing is impossible with Him. Strive to be your best no matter the circumstance. God is your strong tower.....He will never let you go or let you down. He has a plan for you whether you understand it or not.

As for life right now.....this whole thing makes a bit of sense. You know deep down that you want to give on her. Tell she is lowsy, she needs to grow up and be a parent. However, you can't. Can't tell her anything just let her be. Let her destroy her life and be crazy in doing so. How can a sane person allow that to happen. How can God allow this to happen? I want to just back up life so many times. To erase it all.....design a new life. Where everything is happier. Live a life that is worth living. But again God has a reason for allowing certain things to happen. I may not understand it now. I may not ever understand it. But one day I will be able the God I serve, " Why did you allow this to happen?" I will never get the right answer though.

I have to remember, God is out there. Just listen and obey and He will guide you through the life that you are being able to live through Him

Unanswered Questions

How is it that we continue to grow in christ, yet we all still have random questions that are still unanswered? Can we still be a devout christian and still have questions?

I can never seem to get the questions out of my head. They are always there. So am i still growing in Christ? I still seem to hope so.


I can't even finish this one. Because I keep resurfacing the same questions. So.........I'm out of this thing.

I beleive it has been too long since I last posted. Since then I have no idea where I have been because I can't remember much. How is it that I can live day to day and still not remember what I have done just a few days ago or even a few months ago. I think I have amnesia or something. Quite scary if you ask me. Maybe there is a reason why I can't remember anything. I hope so. I am not that old and yet I fail to even remember my 10th birthday. How is that? Could be trauma, could be that I am just crazy. I will never know. Where has my life gone......where will it take me.......what does God have "planned" for my life.....The questions could go on. I don't quite believe in plans God has in store....but then again I have been questioning the authenticity of God lately. If He has this plan for me, where is this plan. Where is the blueprint of my life. I have yet to see it. Then in the same sentence, if He knows our every move, Ho does He allow horrible crap to happen to all of these random people. Makes no sense to my crazy inadequate brain. Because remember....I don't remember alot of things........but that is me..and it will always be me. I like to call myself a "PARANOID CHRISTIAN." Then again who really cares. Besides God himself.
Good Night.

God and lurking!

I am what you would call a lurker on blogger. I am unseen (obviously) and unheard. I read and read and comment minimal. Hoping that if I read maybe I would understand it more so than if I were to comment and say I totally agree or that I understand where you are coming from. I have come to a conclusion that I can be both. However it is rather difficult. It is much easier as well as exceptionally healthier to release thoughts. I have learned it is better to release your thoughts and say what you feel rather than keeping it bottled all up.
That comes to my next section of this thing. How do you know you are doing what God wants you to do? Is it possible for you to be doing what God wants you to do and you may not know that you are even doing it.
I'm not sure where I am going with this. So I am going to continue lurking.

ASOMBROSO!!

Amazing is a strong word. In spanish it is known as "asombroso". How can two different languages have such powerful meaning. Of course, it is the same word. I'm such a dork.
Well back to what I was saying. God can do some pretty powerful things for man. They never make any sense. Right now I am trying to figure why He allows my sister to become pregnant. It is not at all a good thing as she well thinks. She cannot manage right now for herself much in 7 months for another human being. I feel so rude but I want that child. I want to take it away from her after she gives birth. I know that I cannot take care it. I could but I am choosing not to. Like I said RUDE. I want this pregnancy to be erased. I have no say in the matter. I just need not to get attached as I have with my younger sisters pregnancy. SOmething could happen, she may not keep the child I don't know. This not about me though. Like I said God does some of the most amazing things. He also says in the word, "For I know the plansI have for you." Something like that. I don't read much. Maybe this child is a God thing. "MAYBE". I need to be quiet now.

Love you guys for reading. Don't comment I'm not used to it. OK.

Loss of Perspective

Have we lost all perspective of God? I was reminded the morning by a father-like figure. That just maybe perhaps we have lost perspective on God. Blaming God for everything that doesn't neccessarily go our way. We ask ourselves, " How can a God who loves us do such a thing to us?" It is not that he doesn't love us. In my opinion, I think maybe he is trying to tell us something. We just happen to take it out of context. It is too easy to become cynical about any one thing. But should constantly be that way. I'm afraid I do not think we should. You should instead become content in a sense. You cannot become content with God. That is not the purpose. Are we supposed we content with the church or God? According to a certain somebody, you know who you are, the church should be a place where you come to worship. Not a place where you are comfortable. I may have said that wrong. So then again if you are not coming to church to worship and you are not content with just being comfortable. Then why do you continue to keep coming if you know that it is not the right timing in your life. Stop putting yourself through the agony and the pain. Personally right know in my life. I would not be at the church. In my heart I know I need to be there. I know this because my life is not where it needs to be spiritually. I have been working on that constantly. But I know it is not right, yet I occasiionally still blame God on my misfortune and judgement. It is constantly a blaming game on god for everything I don't do right or for something I don't think is fair. Life was not meant to be easy, as I am learning the very difficult way. I thank God everyday for the friendships I have or don't have. For the people I know I can trust from day to day, from conversation to conversation. So again my question to you is, "How do we gain back perspective of God?"
Thanks guys for reading.

I'M MAD

Who is God? Is He understandable all the time? At times I'm not sure I understand why he allows certain situations to happen. Can I get over the anger to learn about God? It simply is the truth that I don't know who God is anymore. I still don't see how people say that their God is guarding them. When I have yet to see him gurading me and my family. I have lost all belief of God at this point in my life. Or maybe it was that maybe I never quite grasped the full understanding of God himself. How restore your faith in him if it seems that you have lost it? I have much gain with god in my life. But if I dont trust and believe in him there is no hope for me. What does He have in store for me? Am I to be a subconconscious paranoid? SHould I worry about stupid things? Should I angry at the church for silly things? Should I be angry all the time? Oh here's another question, should I be angry at myself all the time for my very unsuccessful life? It is truly my choice what happens to me in very uneventful so called life of mine.
Life is so short and yet we/I try so hard to be happy that I believe we just just make ourselves unhappy. Trying to be happy is just part of life. Happiness is overratted. (For me anyways) Seriously, why be happy. According to the people I work with, I am so unforgivingly unhappy, mad at everyone. Truly I am not. I seem to repeat myself over and over again. Why is that? Why can't people just listen to me and understand the words coming out of my poor pathetic mouth. Harsh words words I know. If you had as horrible of a day at work as I did. You too would be harsh. How can someone know me for so little of a time. Put words into my mouth. Rude. But maybe I'm rude. So my question now is, why should I care what God has in store me? Why should I make an effort to succeed? How do I not know that maybe my life will be cut short? Do I want it to be cut short? You answer that for me. Maybe the answer is yes and maybe it is no. Who knows. But for now maybe I should be content with the life that has been presented to me. Just be happy with the way things are playing out. Be happy with the stinky job. Be grateful that I love a God even though I'm mad at him for now. I can safely say, I don't understand the god I serve. Who does?
Please decipher this very rare very destructive view of God and life in itself.

The Next One!

So I read everyone elses' blog and I feel rather shallow. Like I don't have a brain sometimes or sometimes I feel undereduacted. Wait.....I am undereducated. But how can any one person judge themselves in such a way that is so degrading. How can anyone just not believe in themselves that they have to judge themselves on someone that is just two years older or someone that is fourteen years older than older than I.
I still have hope. I still have a chance of a bright future. Maybe not one in the near future. Maybe I just need to trust in God that He will chow me the way to future. Show me that I am bright and that I am smart. That I need not to judge myself unto others. John 7:24 simply puts it. "STOP judging by mere appearances, and MAKE a sound judgement." The Message, which some people don't necessarily like says, " Don't be nitpickers'; use your head-and heart!- to discern what is right, to test what is authentically right." Nonetheless, don't be picky about your education, looks, discernment. Rather do what is right.

Maybe I shall be quiet now. Goodnight, my friends!

GODLINESS!!!

What is godliness? I am not sure that anyone really knows. I think that we all, at some point in our lives, do not know answers to many questions of God. This being one of them.
I would define godliness as the expression of Jesus Christ in our lives. Godliness is the means of which God is made known through us. Know this was not an easy task to make this conclusion. As I am an undereducated woman. Yet the bible was designed for all to read and understand and comprehend what is being said.

Our sins have been dealt with by Christ and His righteousness imputed to us, the Holy Spirit is now within our lifes and it is His presence that enables us to overcome the desires of the world and to live victoriously for the Lord. If we lives after the world; the joy, peace and blessing of our Christian experience will wither and die, our lives will disintegrate and go to pieces--corrupt and die. On the other hand, our Christian lives will flourish and prosper, bearing the precious fruits of righteousness as we focus our attention on what God has done for us and is doing in us in Christ

In 2 Peter it clearly states what leads up to godliness and thereafter. Being in chapter 1 verse 6. It all begins with adding to your faith goodness. Persevering with goodness to gain knowledge. Gaining knowledge in the word of God to acheive self control. Attaining self control is not any easy task but managable. Acheiving self control to preservere. Once you perservere you attain godliness. Godliness is that of being like Christ so to say. Acheiving godliness to have brotherly love and kindness. The word of God says these shall keep you from being ineffective and/or unproductive in the knowledge of Jesus Christ. Yet without them you nearsighted and blind.
So again godliness is opening your heart, mind, and spirit to God. To allow him to work through you to reach the unreached. You may not be perfect, no one is and no one will ever be perfect. You can only try your best and accomplish the best.


So I am not sure I have made sense. But in my brain, I hae made complete sense. Thanks for listening. I shall have more up soon.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

So You Think I'm Normal?!?!

Well hello world-wide-web!!

It has been so long since I have posted on here and seems as if I have literally just died. I haven't thankfully because I have not fulfilled to fullest extent. Well in all honesty, I haven't known what to write about. I am twenty-two and am not as educated as most of the people I associate with. So with that being said, I feel a little ignorant when I speak around them. Then for them to actually read what I have written. It kind of makes me a little uncomfortable. So I have given up, if they don't like what I write in terms of education. Then, well, they don't have to read it. In the past few months I have been trying to figure out my life. How I have ended up where I am at. I have come to no conclusion. But it doesn't end there. Most of you that read this may not have any idea who I am or where I come from, how I feel or anything extravagant. So let me spend a little time trying to explain to you my past.

Well how about we start from Day 1 of my life. I was born on January twenty-seventh year nineteen hundred and eighty-four. I don't know what to call my biological parents know. But anyways, their names are or were Jodi and Bobby Long. I don't think of them too highly. Reason being is my mother was the sleeping around type of gal. When I was brought into this world she had already had twelve or so children. Which now kind of pisses me off because not only could not afford me or support me psychologically, she really did not even want me. As a newborn baby she did not care for me. My older brother cared for me. He fed me, changed my diaper, bathed me, burped me, etc....As he got older he wanted to go and be a kid so he would tak eme over to a neighbors house and she would take care of me then. She finally called the state and they came and took us and put us into the states custody. Keep in mind my brother was only seven years old. Well after we were put into the states custody my mother could still have visitation rights and when she had me she literally feed me on the ground with the animals. ( I would never in my wildest dreams ever feed my children on the ground.) Basically I was considered an animal or trash or mixture of both. So as a kid growing up I still had that in my head. I was a failure, a mistake, and a screwup. Anyways when I wa three years old, I was finally adopted by my parents I love considerably. I certainly would not be where I am with out them. When I was adopted I had nothing. No clothes, no shoes, no diapers. I had just the diaper on my bum. It really bothers me nowadays that I was nothing and had nothing. I also at the age of three was not pottytrained and could not even speak. By the time I was ready for pre-k, I could speak but I had a speach impediment. I slurred pretty much all my words. I felt like a complete outcast. I did get over the speach impediment with lots of speech therapy. Which by the way is not something a four year old wants to do. I graduated kindergarten. I was a smart kid. But when I was in Kindergarten, when we were told to take a nap I always would. But I always feared it. Even as a little kid I was afraid I wouldn't wake up. Kind of sucked but noone knew about that trauma. I would always keep that to myself. Wishing I hadn't though. Went through grade school with flying colors. One of the top students in most of my classes. However, I would go through yet another trauma: molestation. As a kid I never imagined I would get molested. I had already gone through a lot as a baby. And then as a adolescent, yeah not the best time of my life. Heres' the "kicker" I was always told that it was okay. I soon found out several years down the road that it was not God wanted it to be. That went on for three or so years. It is not something I want to count. Once that it stopped, I was so relieved. I wasn't being used anymore. A few years later it is time for junior high and lets just say it was a living hell. I did not want to be there. I spent most of seventh grade in OCS(on campus suspenon). But I liked it in there. I knew I would be safe and would not get into any trouble while I was in there. Eighth grade was the same way, I spent three quarters of the school in OCS. It totally rocked my world. I loved it. No changing classes, no pissing off the teachers or kids. However corporal punishment was still in use. I still got alot of paddles on the bum. Way too many to count. Ninth grade is finally here, yeah for high school. Ninth grade was the best year for high school. Hardly any trouble. I was being overly great for a change. Then it all changed tenth and both eleventh grade years were terrible. I was always getting into trouble. Not that I was a trouble maker, I just really didn't want to be there. I spent those three years in the alternative school. That too was pretty cool. The only down side was I had to walk to school. I finally make it through high school. But I could not exactly get the college thing down so I never went to college as of yet. So that was like two years ago. Since then I have done nothing to further my life. Just hanging out and making mistakes. Nothing extravagant.

So now comes another question, "How can a God of love, make a life so difficult?" I am not sure. I do not doubt His sovereignty. He is an awesome God. He has continued to love me through my ups and downs. He has loved me even when, at times, I have not loved Him. He truly is awesome. He also has continued to love even when I know He is talking directly to me, I turn my head and go the other way. He has tried to talk to me about my future. I finally obeying Him. But I have to take few steps int he right to begin. I for one have to turn my life over completely to Him. It's not difficult but at the same time it is not easy. I mean, all I have to say is He made me for a reason, He loved me for reason, and I am still here for a reason.

Back to my family history when I was just two, there was a fire and me and my older sister was in the house. I was got out with no injuries and my four year old sister was not so lucky. She did not make it out at all. I have been told over the years that I look so much like her. Not something I want to hear because I do not want anything to do with my OTHER family. If you know I mean. I did not grow up with them, I don not know them and kills me even more is that they call me by my name before I was adopted. But what do I say.

Well guys, thanks for listening to me. I'm not sure if you care or wonder about my past but I haven't really told any one in this description about my past.

Rose

Wreckage

how much car trouble can any one family have in a year??
well already one car totalled and one in the shop to be totalled and another in the shop to get fixed from engine trouble.
Bummer for us!! it will get better.
~rose