It has been so long since I have posted on here and seems as if I have literally just died. I haven't thankfully because I have not fulfilled to fullest extent. Well in all honesty, I haven't known what to write about. I am twenty-two and am not as educated as most of the people I associate with. So with that being said, I feel a little ignorant when I speak around them. Then for them to actually read what I have written. It kind of makes me a little uncomfortable. So I have given up, if they don't like what I write in terms of education. Then, well, they don't have to read it. In the past few months I have been trying to figure out my life. How I have ended up where I am at. I have come to no conclusion. But it doesn't end there. Most of you that read this may not have any idea who I am or where I come from, how I feel or anything extravagant. So let me spend a little time trying to explain to you my past.
Well how about we start from Day 1 of my life. I was born on January twenty-seventh year nineteen hundred and eighty-four. I don't know what to call my biological parents know. But anyways, their names are or were Jodi and Bobby Long. I don't think of them too highly. Reason being is my mother was the sleeping around type of gal. When I was brought into this world she had already had twelve or so children. Which now kind of pisses me off because not only could not afford me or support me psychologically, she really did not even want me. As a newborn baby she did not care for me. My older brother cared for me. He fed me, changed my diaper, bathed me, burped me, etc....As he got older he wanted to go and be a kid so he would tak eme over to a neighbors house and she would take care of me then. She finally called the state and they came and took us and put us into the states custody. Keep in mind my brother was only seven years old. Well after we were put into the states custody my mother could still have visitation rights and when she had me she literally feed me on the ground with the animals. ( I would never in my wildest dreams ever feed my children on the ground.) Basically I was considered an animal or trash or mixture of both. So as a kid growing up I still had that in my head. I was a failure, a mistake, and a screwup. Anyways when I wa three years old, I was finally adopted by my parents I love considerably. I certainly would not be where I am with out them. When I was adopted I had nothing. No clothes, no shoes, no diapers. I had just the diaper on my bum. It really bothers me nowadays that I was nothing and had nothing. I also at the age of three was not pottytrained and could not even speak. By the time I was ready for pre-k, I could speak but I had a speach impediment. I slurred pretty much all my words. I felt like a complete outcast. I did get over the speach impediment with lots of speech therapy. Which by the way is not something a four year old wants to do. I graduated kindergarten. I was a smart kid. But when I was in Kindergarten, when we were told to take a nap I always would. But I always feared it. Even as a little kid I was afraid I wouldn't wake up. Kind of sucked but noone knew about that trauma. I would always keep that to myself. Wishing I hadn't though. Went through grade school with flying colors. One of the top students in most of my classes. However, I would go through yet another trauma: molestation. As a kid I never imagined I would get molested. I had already gone through a lot as a baby. And then as a adolescent, yeah not the best time of my life. Heres' the "kicker" I was always told that it was okay. I soon found out several years down the road that it was not God wanted it to be. That went on for three or so years. It is not something I want to count. Once that it stopped, I was so relieved. I wasn't being used anymore. A few years later it is time for junior high and lets just say it was a living hell. I did not want to be there. I spent most of seventh grade in OCS(on campus suspenon). But I liked it in there. I knew I would be safe and would not get into any trouble while I was in there. Eighth grade was the same way, I spent three quarters of the school in OCS. It totally rocked my world. I loved it. No changing classes, no pissing off the teachers or kids. However corporal punishment was still in use. I still got alot of paddles on the bum. Way too many to count. Ninth grade is finally here, yeah for high school. Ninth grade was the best year for high school. Hardly any trouble. I was being overly great for a change. Then it all changed tenth and both eleventh grade years were terrible. I was always getting into trouble. Not that I was a trouble maker, I just really didn't want to be there. I spent those three years in the alternative school. That too was pretty cool. The only down side was I had to walk to school. I finally make it through high school. But I could not exactly get the college thing down so I never went to college as of yet. So that was like two years ago. Since then I have done nothing to further my life. Just hanging out and making mistakes. Nothing extravagant.
So now comes another question, "How can a God of love, make a life so difficult?" I am not sure. I do not doubt His sovereignty. He is an awesome God. He has continued to love me through my ups and downs. He has loved me even when, at times, I have not loved Him. He truly is awesome. He also has continued to love even when I know He is talking directly to me, I turn my head and go the other way. He has tried to talk to me about my future. I finally obeying Him. But I have to take few steps int he right to begin. I for one have to turn my life over completely to Him. It's not difficult but at the same time it is not easy. I mean, all I have to say is He made me for a reason, He loved me for reason, and I am still here for a reason.
Back to my family history when I was just two, there was a fire and me and my older sister was in the house. I was got out with no injuries and my four year old sister was not so lucky. She did not make it out at all. I have been told over the years that I look so much like her. Not something I want to hear because I do not want anything to do with my OTHER family. If you know I mean. I did not grow up with them, I don not know them and kills me even more is that they call me by my name before I was adopted. But what do I say.
Well guys, thanks for listening to me. I'm not sure if you care or wonder about my past but I haven't really told any one in this description about my past.
Rose
