UPDATE ON LIFE!!!!

So I was going through an old bible of mine from when I was in high school. What i found was rather interesting. It was one of many letters I wrote to friends and never mailed. What was interesting is that I remembered everything that I wrote. It was STORM weekend. I think I was a sophmore. It is actually kind of bizarre that I remember that. It wasn't a bad weekend. It was good. Had a bit of spiritual growth during that weekend. However, it almost seems as if the growth was only momentary. As I'm looking back, I see that as with every chance I get to grow in God. It is only momentary. What I long for is a deeper connection with God.....I'm not sure I get any closer some days....other days I think I can see growth. My question was is, Is it spritual growth if you go forwards for awhile and then spiral backswards for awhile. I don't know, friends don't know. Only God knows I guess... I am going to say that you can have growth....growth just isn't always forward. Sometimes it is backwards. I have had a hard time try ing to figure that one out.....only because I don't see any type of growth as going backwards....I see it as forwards. But sometimes our walk with God is backtracked...by constant struggles or conflict. So as I read that note/letter from when I was in high school....it got me to thinking........How much have I really grown in Christ. Have I even grown at all. Others can see the growth...I, on the other hand, cannot see the growth.
Growth is hard and difficult but IS possible. I want to grow.....really.....but does God want me to grow.....I don't know right now.

So do I have aa ligitiment reason to worry? Maybe worrying about friends.......or some of the decisions in life.....about the children in my life....their safety....the list could go on. Honestly should I be stressing over this....probably not. But am I...that is the question......and I AM. It is easy to say that there are 52 synonyms for the word worry. Words I have never heard of....beleaguer...brood....dun....goad....vex...are just a few of them. Really should we be fixed on those words. I think not rather you should pick up your termoil....bagage and forget about it it just weighs you down. Realisticly can you focus on the overall goal with all the "baggage" in the way. I know I can't. it emotinally and physically weighs you down. But again who am i to say all of this....I can't even get through my messy life.....hmmmmm...maybe I should take my own words to heart.

Where are you God?

Where is God now? That is such a good question for all. The conclusion I came to is this:

The Bible teaches that God reigns over all the nations from His holy throne in heaven. The scripture also makes it very clear that our God is omnipresent. In fact, there are several examples throughout the bible that prove His omniprescence. Nothing is Hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid before Him. So I am guessing that the real question is, "Exactly how far away is our God?" I am exactly 100% on that one. Because I can't decipher Gods' Uniqueness right now. But yet again the bible also teaches that if you are believer, God is with you always. He is in you and beside you. Gods' prescence and very watchful eye actually never stray away from. Unlike us. Here comes the big "F" word. Faith. I know that have little faith in God that all of this seems so uncomprehensible. But it is comprehensible. God is a God a love and His love is unfailing. No matter how much we struggle with our faith or our walk with Him. He will always be there for us when we finally finish struggling. The struggle of faith almost seems to be neverending. But if we don't let go of the fear. The struggle will not disintegrate. There is no easy way to know what faith is......there was no manual given to me. So I have no idea what it is. No difinitive answer. So again, How does one individual increase their faith in God? 1 Corinthians 4:7 says, "Do not boast as if you have received nothing." Hebrews 13:5 goes on to say, :Be content with the things that you already possess. He will never leave nor forsake you." Beginning the faith journey requires immersing ourselves in His holy word. But first we must learn His love, His might His justice, and His plan in order for us to gain any success in this world. Basically you allow your roots to grow down in Him and drown up nourishment so that you may grow in faith. If you trust in God, you will surely grow. We must first learn to step out in faith , move out of our comfort zone and the risks of life. 1 Peter 1:7 says, "He will use trials to test our faith and make us stronger christians. We will be given much honour if we can stand strong and endure the battle and not waiver."
God IS out there, we just have to weave through this meesy world and find Him. Kind of like "WHERE IS WALDO?" Replace the phrase, "WHERE IS GOD?" Can you find Him? I think you could if you had enough faith.

WOW.

God is much closer than you think and the chaos is natural. Maybe it sounds stupid but i like the chaos. I love the uncertainty of what my life may hold. Being single, being lost in a world of hatred and love and mixed emotion. What is real and what is not. God is real or at least that is what i want to think for today at least. But for everything that is not natural or normal I doubt the existence of God. What are you supposed to believe when you have a crappy day, or a crappy year? Are you supposed to say Man my god is good he allowed so and so to happen to mary lou or something of that nature. I dont believe it. I know i should but as i get older i dont think god is who he says he is. There is no defining point. Ive read the bible ive gone to church. I believe the bible i just dont believe god. There is much more to this but im stopping here..im out of words for now.

Feeling ashamed

Feeling ashamed and lost and hated by all who know me. I don't think you really grasp what I mean. I mean for real who ignores a friend for a long while. WHo doesn't ask how they are doing? What is it with these people in my life? Am I invisible? I am I missing person? I am beginning to wonder what is real and what is a complete lie. I feel depressed I think. I don't know the real meaning of depression anymore. But who cares. I am simply talking about friendships and relationships in general. I think they are all a huge joke. The friends you think you have you dont really have. In fact, you don't really even know them. They could actually care less about you and your friggin' problems. And when someone you thought was your friend says that you don't 'belong'. Wouldn't that just piss you off. Well it did me. And well she can kiss my butt. I don't care about her thoughts and opinions anymore. She needs to keep them internalized. But she did have a point. If I wasn't fitting in then why subject myself to the lonliness. of going places and being ignored. You see my friends, that is why I am honestly leaving what I call my friends and my home. I feel lost and lonely and that my friends are my worst enemy. I hate feeling like that. As a kid didn't you want to be loved by anyone. Not just your parents. Well there you have in life you want to be loved by anything and of course anyone. You ever feel like god has forgotten who you are. Well Life sucks when that happens.. And that has occurred in my life. God has disappeared in my life for now. And I want Him back. HE needs to friggin' reappear. But I also understand I need to want Him to reappear.

hi folks!!

thats it
bye

Mad at the internet!!

When you do not have any internet that will drive you to a crazy person. Last night I did just that. I was a crazy person. Not knowing what to do because I spend the majority of my time on the internet and not doing more productive things. But why. Why don't I do something more constructive...like run or run or run. Thats all I can come up with. We didn't have the kids last nite so I couldn't play with them. I was saddened. Anyways live outside of the box the internet is just another thing that you do not need to live. thats all folks.

Good God Thoughts!!!

Is being enraged spiritually possible? If it is, I would say that I am quite enraged. Not sure it is healthy to be enraged. I actually have no idea why I am enraged, I just am.

First things first, why did God create us if all He inteneded us to do was to sin? A mistake is that what we all are? Alot of times I find myself wondering about my life in general. Was I a mistake? Really think about it......I was child number 13. That's my lucky number I guess. HA! Anyways, I was born to a woman and man whom could have cared less about me. That sounds like a mistake. I was then placed in child protective services at 8 months........yet again that sounds like another mistake. I was adopted by the people whom I call mommy and daddy.......for once not a mistake. I grew up had lots of opportunities to become a better person than my biiological parents. Yet I blew every one of those opportunities. So to me I feel like an absurd waste of the human race. Are we just a mistake or opportunity waiting to occur?

John Ortberg summary......Let me know what you think............

God designed us to please Him. To honor Him in everything that we do. Which leads me to say that we must align ourselves with God in order to live a pleasing life. Make everyday life extraordinary by aligning yourself with God. When we align ourselves with Him we then becomes the vessel of God. Cruising along in life with God. Imagine being on this ship with God and adding passengers as you cruise with God. That is really what we were intended to do. By our actions, I believe that we then begin to make our God smile from the heavens above.

When is your day supposed to begin? I beleive now that it is at night. It clearly states it in Genesis 1:5---"God called the light day, and the darkness he called night. And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day. I t kind of reminded me that when I do go to sleep, my night/ day is just beginning. However, it also reminded me that my God never sleeps. He is always awake while I am sleeping and always awake while I am awake. In Mark 4:27 it says, "night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how." God will show me how to do so no matter how much I wish not to sprout.

Ride your life like a wave. If you fall off of your surf board, get back on and try again. Just remember ther will always be another wave following. No matter the circumstance or opportunity in life there will always be another opportunity waiting for you. It may not be the one you thought it would be........but it would be something similar to it. Live life with God not against Him. It's not healthy......Live life as if a gift...cherish the moments.....remember it is another wave from God.

Strong Tower

Ever been in a time in your life when you wonder........where is God? Ever want to give up just to give up? Give up on anything or anyone. How can you believe in something or someone even when the going gets tough?

There is a time in everyones' life when, the impossible becomes possible and the possible becomes impossible. You don't give up no matter what the hardships may be. You keeping driving till you got nothing left in you. If the person becomes bitter, you smack some sense into them. I keep believing that someday all of our hardships will just disintegrate and life will become a paradise. But I know that life won't ever be that easy. Until then you just have to believe in God. Know that nothing is impossible with Him. Strive to be your best no matter the circumstance. God is your strong tower.....He will never let you go or let you down. He has a plan for you whether you understand it or not.

As for life right now.....this whole thing makes a bit of sense. You know deep down that you want to give on her. Tell she is lowsy, she needs to grow up and be a parent. However, you can't. Can't tell her anything just let her be. Let her destroy her life and be crazy in doing so. How can a sane person allow that to happen. How can God allow this to happen? I want to just back up life so many times. To erase it all.....design a new life. Where everything is happier. Live a life that is worth living. But again God has a reason for allowing certain things to happen. I may not understand it now. I may not ever understand it. But one day I will be able the God I serve, " Why did you allow this to happen?" I will never get the right answer though.

I have to remember, God is out there. Just listen and obey and He will guide you through the life that you are being able to live through Him

Unanswered Questions

How is it that we continue to grow in christ, yet we all still have random questions that are still unanswered? Can we still be a devout christian and still have questions?

I can never seem to get the questions out of my head. They are always there. So am i still growing in Christ? I still seem to hope so.


I can't even finish this one. Because I keep resurfacing the same questions. So.........I'm out of this thing.

I beleive it has been too long since I last posted. Since then I have no idea where I have been because I can't remember much. How is it that I can live day to day and still not remember what I have done just a few days ago or even a few months ago. I think I have amnesia or something. Quite scary if you ask me. Maybe there is a reason why I can't remember anything. I hope so. I am not that old and yet I fail to even remember my 10th birthday. How is that? Could be trauma, could be that I am just crazy. I will never know. Where has my life gone......where will it take me.......what does God have "planned" for my life.....The questions could go on. I don't quite believe in plans God has in store....but then again I have been questioning the authenticity of God lately. If He has this plan for me, where is this plan. Where is the blueprint of my life. I have yet to see it. Then in the same sentence, if He knows our every move, Ho does He allow horrible crap to happen to all of these random people. Makes no sense to my crazy inadequate brain. Because remember....I don't remember alot of things........but that is me..and it will always be me. I like to call myself a "PARANOID CHRISTIAN." Then again who really cares. Besides God himself.
Good Night.

God and lurking!

I am what you would call a lurker on blogger. I am unseen (obviously) and unheard. I read and read and comment minimal. Hoping that if I read maybe I would understand it more so than if I were to comment and say I totally agree or that I understand where you are coming from. I have come to a conclusion that I can be both. However it is rather difficult. It is much easier as well as exceptionally healthier to release thoughts. I have learned it is better to release your thoughts and say what you feel rather than keeping it bottled all up.
That comes to my next section of this thing. How do you know you are doing what God wants you to do? Is it possible for you to be doing what God wants you to do and you may not know that you are even doing it.
I'm not sure where I am going with this. So I am going to continue lurking.