Feeling ashamed

Feeling ashamed and lost and hated by all who know me. I don't think you really grasp what I mean. I mean for real who ignores a friend for a long while. WHo doesn't ask how they are doing? What is it with these people in my life? Am I invisible? I am I missing person? I am beginning to wonder what is real and what is a complete lie. I feel depressed I think. I don't know the real meaning of depression anymore. But who cares. I am simply talking about friendships and relationships in general. I think they are all a huge joke. The friends you think you have you dont really have. In fact, you don't really even know them. They could actually care less about you and your friggin' problems. And when someone you thought was your friend says that you don't 'belong'. Wouldn't that just piss you off. Well it did me. And well she can kiss my butt. I don't care about her thoughts and opinions anymore. She needs to keep them internalized. But she did have a point. If I wasn't fitting in then why subject myself to the lonliness. of going places and being ignored. You see my friends, that is why I am honestly leaving what I call my friends and my home. I feel lost and lonely and that my friends are my worst enemy. I hate feeling like that. As a kid didn't you want to be loved by anyone. Not just your parents. Well there you have in life you want to be loved by anything and of course anyone. You ever feel like god has forgotten who you are. Well Life sucks when that happens.. And that has occurred in my life. God has disappeared in my life for now. And I want Him back. HE needs to friggin' reappear. But I also understand I need to want Him to reappear.