my father?!

so i met my father i look just like him as i expected. he has a little bit. i cant help but wonder how did he cope not knowing his daughter, he managed. he says he missed seeing me grow up. but he also knows that he gave me a much life by giving me up for adoption. he has no regrets at all. that makes me happy i guess. he also gave me a little insight on the adoption. he only had an eighth grade education and my mother also only an eighth grade education. He worked hard to keep the family together. his first two children were given up for adoption almost immediately after they were born. so he doesn't really claim them. then theres me and my little brother. hes in jail and my father doesnt really speak of him. i also had an older sister whom i am named after, but i got my named changed after i was adopted, she died when she was 3 in a house fire. my family is quiet complicated. i love it. i am also debating on if i should get to know my father. a part of me wants to but i dont want to get hurt. so i dont really know. i am struggling with this. i want to know him. we shall see where this goes for me.

UPDATE ON LIFE!!!!

So I was going through an old bible of mine from when I was in high school. What i found was rather interesting. It was one of many letters I wrote to friends and never mailed. What was interesting is that I remembered everything that I wrote. It was STORM weekend. I think I was a sophmore. It is actually kind of bizarre that I remember that. It wasn't a bad weekend. It was good. Had a bit of spiritual growth during that weekend. However, it almost seems as if the growth was only momentary. As I'm looking back, I see that as with every chance I get to grow in God. It is only momentary. What I long for is a deeper connection with God.....I'm not sure I get any closer some days....other days I think I can see growth. My question was is, Is it spritual growth if you go forwards for awhile and then spiral backswards for awhile. I don't know, friends don't know. Only God knows I guess... I am going to say that you can have growth....growth just isn't always forward. Sometimes it is backwards. I have had a hard time try ing to figure that one out.....only because I don't see any type of growth as going backwards....I see it as forwards. But sometimes our walk with God is backtracked...by constant struggles or conflict. So as I read that note/letter from when I was in high school....it got me to thinking........How much have I really grown in Christ. Have I even grown at all. Others can see the growth...I, on the other hand, cannot see the growth.
Growth is hard and difficult but IS possible. I want to grow.....really.....but does God want me to grow.....I don't know right now.

So do I have aa ligitiment reason to worry? Maybe worrying about friends.......or some of the decisions in life.....about the children in my life....their safety....the list could go on. Honestly should I be stressing over this....probably not. But am I...that is the question......and I AM. It is easy to say that there are 52 synonyms for the word worry. Words I have never heard of....beleaguer...brood....dun....goad....vex...are just a few of them. Really should we be fixed on those words. I think not rather you should pick up your termoil....bagage and forget about it it just weighs you down. Realisticly can you focus on the overall goal with all the "baggage" in the way. I know I can't. it emotinally and physically weighs you down. But again who am i to say all of this....I can't even get through my messy life.....hmmmmm...maybe I should take my own words to heart.

Where are you God?

Where is God now? That is such a good question for all. The conclusion I came to is this:

The Bible teaches that God reigns over all the nations from His holy throne in heaven. The scripture also makes it very clear that our God is omnipresent. In fact, there are several examples throughout the bible that prove His omniprescence. Nothing is Hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid before Him. So I am guessing that the real question is, "Exactly how far away is our God?" I am exactly 100% on that one. Because I can't decipher Gods' Uniqueness right now. But yet again the bible also teaches that if you are believer, God is with you always. He is in you and beside you. Gods' prescence and very watchful eye actually never stray away from. Unlike us. Here comes the big "F" word. Faith. I know that have little faith in God that all of this seems so uncomprehensible. But it is comprehensible. God is a God a love and His love is unfailing. No matter how much we struggle with our faith or our walk with Him. He will always be there for us when we finally finish struggling. The struggle of faith almost seems to be neverending. But if we don't let go of the fear. The struggle will not disintegrate. There is no easy way to know what faith is......there was no manual given to me. So I have no idea what it is. No difinitive answer. So again, How does one individual increase their faith in God? 1 Corinthians 4:7 says, "Do not boast as if you have received nothing." Hebrews 13:5 goes on to say, :Be content with the things that you already possess. He will never leave nor forsake you." Beginning the faith journey requires immersing ourselves in His holy word. But first we must learn His love, His might His justice, and His plan in order for us to gain any success in this world. Basically you allow your roots to grow down in Him and drown up nourishment so that you may grow in faith. If you trust in God, you will surely grow. We must first learn to step out in faith , move out of our comfort zone and the risks of life. 1 Peter 1:7 says, "He will use trials to test our faith and make us stronger christians. We will be given much honour if we can stand strong and endure the battle and not waiver."
God IS out there, we just have to weave through this meesy world and find Him. Kind of like "WHERE IS WALDO?" Replace the phrase, "WHERE IS GOD?" Can you find Him? I think you could if you had enough faith.

WOW.

God is much closer than you think and the chaos is natural. Maybe it sounds stupid but i like the chaos. I love the uncertainty of what my life may hold. Being single, being lost in a world of hatred and love and mixed emotion. What is real and what is not. God is real or at least that is what i want to think for today at least. But for everything that is not natural or normal I doubt the existence of God. What are you supposed to believe when you have a crappy day, or a crappy year? Are you supposed to say Man my god is good he allowed so and so to happen to mary lou or something of that nature. I dont believe it. I know i should but as i get older i dont think god is who he says he is. There is no defining point. Ive read the bible ive gone to church. I believe the bible i just dont believe god. There is much more to this but im stopping here..im out of words for now.

Feeling ashamed

Feeling ashamed and lost and hated by all who know me. I don't think you really grasp what I mean. I mean for real who ignores a friend for a long while. WHo doesn't ask how they are doing? What is it with these people in my life? Am I invisible? I am I missing person? I am beginning to wonder what is real and what is a complete lie. I feel depressed I think. I don't know the real meaning of depression anymore. But who cares. I am simply talking about friendships and relationships in general. I think they are all a huge joke. The friends you think you have you dont really have. In fact, you don't really even know them. They could actually care less about you and your friggin' problems. And when someone you thought was your friend says that you don't 'belong'. Wouldn't that just piss you off. Well it did me. And well she can kiss my butt. I don't care about her thoughts and opinions anymore. She needs to keep them internalized. But she did have a point. If I wasn't fitting in then why subject myself to the lonliness. of going places and being ignored. You see my friends, that is why I am honestly leaving what I call my friends and my home. I feel lost and lonely and that my friends are my worst enemy. I hate feeling like that. As a kid didn't you want to be loved by anyone. Not just your parents. Well there you have in life you want to be loved by anything and of course anyone. You ever feel like god has forgotten who you are. Well Life sucks when that happens.. And that has occurred in my life. God has disappeared in my life for now. And I want Him back. HE needs to friggin' reappear. But I also understand I need to want Him to reappear.

hi folks!!

thats it
bye